Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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