I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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