The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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