Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
