is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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