I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
