just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
