I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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