my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
