what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
