ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
