So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize