Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
