I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
