i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
