I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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