Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
