Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
