im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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