I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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