I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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