Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
