I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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