my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize