She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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