apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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