life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
