Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
