Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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