I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
