I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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