You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
