Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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