I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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