i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
