Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
