She is in my trunk
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
