I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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