Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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