maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
