i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
