Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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