I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize