You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
