I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
