Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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