The maid of honor just puked.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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