I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
