So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
