Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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