Do you still have your period?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
