Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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