so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
