naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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