umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize