My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
