Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
