i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
